With or without you
by CarmenAmi
Summary: Castle has been gone for three months. Beckett finds him in a crime scene and neither of them knows how they feel about each other. Season 3. Rated M for vocabulary and maybe sexual content in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Three months. He hasn't called in three months, and she has to find him in a crime scene with a gun in his hand. She points her gun at him. Esposito and Ryan clearing the other rooms.

"NYPD, put the gun on the ground, hands up." He slowly puts the gun on the ground and raises both of his hands. Espo and Ryan coming into the room, pointing their guns at him.

"Hey, hey, hey, guys. Chill. You know I didn't do this." Beckett looks back at the boys nodding. She steps forward lowering her gun approaching Castle. She turns him around and holds his hands together in his back.

"Richard Castle you are under arrest for murder." She cuffs him.

"You look good." He says trying to turn his head to see her.

"You look good too." She pauses. "For murder."

(…)

"Kate, I swear I didn't do anything, why don't you believe me?" His hands are still cuffed. Sitting on the other side of the table in the same interrogation room he has been in for almost two years, observing how Detective Beckett made every prime suspect admit for murder, this felt different. She was different.

"My name is not Kate, it's Detective Beckett, and you are not answering to my question Mr. Castle. What were you doing at the crime scene with the same gun that killed Sabrina Plummer in your hand?"

"She called me. I went to her house and she was dead."

"Why didn't you call?"

"I was going to!"

"Why didn't you?" She repeats slowly.

"I heard a noise and I thought the killer was coming back! I picked up the gun to defend myself." She looks at him. Not saying anything. "Kate. You know I didn't do it."

"Were you sleeping with her?" She asks ignoring his comment.

"What?"

"Motive."

"No. I was not sleeping with her."

"These two past years, were you following me to see and learn how to commit the perfect crime? How to get away with murder?"

"What? Kate I—" She begins to collect all his documents to put them in her binder.

"Mr. Castle you will stay in this precinct until your lawyer arrives, then we will proceed and move you to—"

"Kate!" She stops moving. "Kate, if you're mad at me, I'm sorry, okay?" She doesn't answer him. Beckett stands up and nods at the police officer that is waiting by the door. He takes Castle by his arm and walks him to the jail rooms. He crosses the bullpen, sending looks to Espo and Ryan. He can't believe this is happening.

They lock him inside one, he turns around and sees another guy younger than him, sleeping. He sighs and sits on the ground his back against the door. And he waits.

(…)

"Castle." He stands up with a jump and turns around to face Beckett. "We need evidence to proof your innocence."

"You believe me?"

"I'm not saying that. But I don't want to put innocent people behind bars."

"I know." He looks down.

"No. No, you don't."

"What?" He looks up at her again, he doesn't understand.

"Castle, you were gone. For three months. You were gone and you didn't even bother to call." She says moving on to the next topic.

"Why would I?" He fires back. "You looked so happy with that police officer or yours… Demming." She doesn't look down. She looks straight at his face.

"We broke up. And I didn't mean it that way. You could have called to ask how things are going around here, to congratulate Ryan on his engagement, to ask Espo how his arm was—"

"Ryan is enga—what happened to Espo?"

"See?" She's not hiding her anger anymore. Even with high heels she has to look up to look at his eyes, but she's fierce and that's what he admires about her. "You would know if you had called. I thought you liked us. But I'm now sure that you would rather spend the summer having sex with you second ex-wife in your house in the Hamptons than being here with us. I hope I gave you enough inspiration during these two last years for another book, because I'm done. We're done." She gives him one last look before turning around and walking away.

(…)

"Richard Castle you are free to go." The police officer opens the door and leads him to the elevator. "I was informed to tell you that you cannot leave your home until notice."

He gets in the police officer's car and he drives him home. When he gets there Alexis opens the door and tells him that she's going to the Hamptons with Martha.

"Okay sweetie have fun." Once he's inside, the officer closes his front door with a goodbye.

He sits down on his couch and picks up the phone.

"Beckett."

"Hey, it's me." He says closing his eyes, glad she answered the phone.

"I know."

"I was told I can't leave the loft." She doesn't answer. "So, I guess you found evidence. Any leads?"

"It's classif—"

"No. Beckett. You don't get to tell me that it's classified. She was my friend." He stands up and walks to the kitchen.

"Castle, there's nothing I can do. Sorry. I will try my best to find the killer, that's all I can tell you."

"Then why did you even pick up the fucking phone Beckett?" He opens the drawer above the fridge and gets out a bottle of Whiskey.

"Goodbye, Castle." And she hangs up.

He doesn't even bother to get a glass, he drinks from the bottle. One gulp. Two gulps. After the third one he needs air. He takes the bottle with him to the studio. He sits down in front of the laptop and opens a new Word document.

_He didn't understand why. He had so many questions he couldn't answer. He needed help. _

_He needed her help._

He sits back and takes another sip from the bottle. He re-reads what he just wrote. His head falls back and he keeps thinking. He needs to get it out.

_He wanted her. He wanted her so desperately he was willing to take a cab at 4 in the morning just to knock on her door and see a pissed Detective Beck_

His fingers are moving so fast that he doesn't realize he's working on his book. He'll change it tomorrow.

_Beckett. He was going to do it. There was nothing stopping him from doing it. Not anymore. _

_He was shirtless in his sweatpants, he took the first jacket he found and went to get a cab. He was going to tell her. He had to end all of this. This game. This stupid fucking game that almost had him puking. They needed to end it. He didn't know how she felt, but he did know that actions say more than words, and her actions made it pretty clear for him. They wanted each other so much they decided to play the 'let's see who breaks first' game. He lost. He was going to break. He stepped out of the cab and glanced up to her apartment. Her lights were on. When the doorman recognized him he opened the door for him. He went straight to her door and without even taking a second to think about what he was going to say he was knocking on the door. _

He drinks. And this time he drinks for two long minutes. His throat is burning but he doesn't care. He needs to drink and imagine an alternate universe where he gets to tell Beckett how he feels. He checks the time. 9:40pm.

_ "__Rook." With only a hoodie on, he can see her infinite legs mid-thigh down. He has seen that hoodie before._

_ "__Hey you found my hoodie." He smiles at her. Trying to relax. He's doing it. There's no going back._

_ "__Did you come here for your hoodie? It's late." Her arms crossed against her chest. _

_ "__Are you cold? It feels cold here." He's still standing in the hall but he can feel it. He's not wearing a t-shirt._

_ "__Rook." She says trying to call his attention._

_ "__I love you Kate." _

_ "__No—No." She starts closing the door but he stops her putting his foot in front of it._

_ "__It's over. I lose. You win. We ca—"_

_ "__No Rook, now really is not the time. I mean it." She looks embarrassed. Why does she look embarrassed? _

_ "__Is there someone in your apartment?" He needs to know. And when he tries to go inside the only button he had on of his jacket comes out. He doesn't care. Beckett stops him putting one hand on his chest. She's warm. _

_ "__Jameson stop. I don't want to hurt you. Please. Let it go and go home."_

Not even in his imagination he ends up with her. He takes another sip of whiskey. 1:31a.m. Time flies when you're writing.

He needs to try again. He stands up after saving the document and picks the phone up.

"Beckett."

"I need to know what the fuck happened to Sabrina. Who the fuck did this, Beckett?!" He was on the verge of tears. He didn't mean to be shouting but he can't help himself.

"Castle, are you drunk?" He is breathing loud. He can tell. But he can't stop.

"Why the fuck does that matter, Kate? I need to know, I need to know who did—who the hell would want to hurt her—" He feels tears starting to fall down his face.

"Rick, Rick, please breathe. We don't know yet. I'm still at the precinct, the guys are coming in early tomorrow, we'll catch him, trust me, we will. But please calm down." He breathes in, slowly. He breathes out. He closes his eyes and sits on his couch.

"I'm sorry." He says still with his eyes closed trying to stop crying. It's ridiculous.

"Yeah, me too." They don't say anything for a brief moment. But she decides it's her turn to speak. "We have some finger prints being processed at this very moment. That's why I'm still here. I'm doing everything I can to catch the guy, Castle. And you don't have to be ashamed to cry. You lost someone. You have every right to be sad—"

"No. I mean, yes—" He interrupts her. "Yes, I'm sad because I lost Sabrina, but no, I don't have the right to be this sad about the loss because I was just fucking her Beckett." He said it. He doesn't expect her to answer to that so he keeps talking. "I met her at a bar, we fucked and she said 'hey wanna do this from time to time?'" He laughs at the memory, tears still burning his eyes. "So I said 'why not?' I was taking some time off and the sex was good, and then one day she calls me and says that she wants me between her legs, and me, that I'm fucking horny 24/7 go to her apartment and find her dead." He laughs again. "The fuck is wrong with me Beckett?" He cries again.

"I think you were in love, Castle." And they stay quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

She wakes up at 6.

"Shit." She whispers getting out of her bed to get changed.

(…)

"Where were you?" Ryan asks as soon as she steps in the precinct.

"Left my phone here." She walks over to her desk looking for it. "Any leads?"

"The finger prints don't match. It wasn't Castle." He says expecting a relief look from Kate but instead he gets a furious one.

"I know it wasn't Castle. I asked if there are any leads, not if our friend is a murderer." She tosses a pile of papers trying to find her phone that is nowhere to be seen.

"David Ruffalo." She stops moving and looks up to him. "He was charged back in 2001 for sexual aggression, that's all. We don't have any connections."

"Maybe he was hired."

"Yes, but why hire a sexual aggressor to murder?" She sighs.

"That's what we have to find out. Let's bring him in." She sits down on her chair. "Where is my fucking phone!" And it rings.

It's on the floor and Castle's smiling picture is on the screen. She leaves it there.

(...)

"Mother, I'm okay, everything is okay, you and Alexis can stay there as long as you please to." His head hurts. "No… I'm staying home…" He continues. "Please don't scream! No, I'm not in trouble, I just don't want to see her!" He sits up on his bed and rests his back against the headboard. "I'll call you tomorrow, bye."

(…)

It's 3p.m and he can't move his fingers. He can't force himself to write. He keeps re-reading what he wrote the night before. He wants to change the ending but he can't. If he did, it would become too real for him.

He gets up from his desk and approaches his bed. He lies down and tries not to think.

And then, someone knocks on the door.

He groans and gets up to open it.

"Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, may I come in?" She flashes her badge.

He's really confused now. "What?"

"I'll take that as a yes." She steps in and he closes the door sending a look to the police officer that is standing right by it.

"What are you doing here?"

"You lied to me." She says getting serious. "You lied to the police, Castle. Obstruction of justice."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yesterday." She sighs. "I asked you simple questions, back in the interrogation room. Questions, that you know you have to answer honestly."

"You're not being clear here, Beckett." He says gesturing with his hands. The door to his studio is open and she sees the now empty bottle of whiskey on his desk, by the laptop. He notices she's seen it so he gets in front of her. "Beckett. Please."

"You were 'fucking' her." She looks at him now. "I asked 'Were you sleeping with her?' simple question, and you said 'Nooo.'" By now Castle is looking up to the ceiling regretting every drop of whiskey he consumed the night before. "I didn't mention it to anybody. But Castle, I trusted you." He comes back to her gaze again. "I had to pick up the phone at 1a.m to hear a drunk Richard Castle admitting to have been having sexual intercourse with the victim." She looks away for a second. "And this is Detective Beckett talking. I—"

"I was talking with Kate." He interrupts her. "I wasn't talking with the detective last night. I'm sorry. I didn't do it, and you know I'm telling the truth when I say I didn't kill her."

"Yeah, now I know." She shakes her head.

"What do you mean?"

"Finger prints aren't a match. We got a suspect."

"What—What do you mean 'now I know'? You weren't sure?" He steps away. "Beckett, did you really think I could kill someone?"

"No, Castle, I—"

"You what." He can't believe it. "You what?"

"I had to make sure." She says. "I tend to put my heart before my job, Castle." He stays silent for a moment and then shakes his head looking down in disappointment.

"Look, I was going to go to bed before you came so… You can stay here, or you can leave, don't fucking care anymore…" He turns around and walks towards his bedroom.

"It's not even 5p.m." She says out loud.

"I know. But I can't get out of this loft so…"

"You could write." He turns around at that response.

"You don't get to tell me what I can or cannot do." He turns around again, after turning one last time. "Oh and by the way, I think I need… a new muse. So don't expect me coming back to the precinct any time soon." And he closes his bedroom door behind him.

(…)

That hurt. That hurt so bad she can feel her throat tightening. She's going to cry.

She parks her car when she hears the police sirens behind her. She didn't know where she was going but she knows she was going fast. Too fast.

"Roll down your window, please." The police officer looks down at her and when she does what she's told, "Detective Kate Beckett." He recognizes her. "Long time no see."

"Holden." She says nonchalant.

"Last time we saw each other was like three months ago, right? I stopped you for speeding." He flashed his beautiful perfect white teeth smile at her. "And here we are again."

"Look Holden, I don't have time for this. I will pay whatever I have to pay."

"A date. That's all I'm asking." He says putting a hand on the top of her car for support.

"No."

"Kate, I have friends, I know you and Demming broke up months ago. Come on, you gotta get back in the game." She sarcastically smiles at him and turns to the steering wheel.

"Send the ticket to my address."

"I don't have your address."

"You're a cop. Find out." She winks at him in a not very flirtatious way and backs up to drive away. Running away from her problems. Like always.

_(…)_

_Run. Don't look back. Step by step. Walk away. You have to walk away from that feeling. That horrible feeling that makes you want to jump from the top of a building. You have to forget that you are human. You have to control your mind. Control your mind. Don't think about—_

"Her." He whispers answering himself. He brought his laptop to his bed. He has cookies and wine on his night stand. He isn't planning on getting out any time soon. It's 3 in the morning and he doesn't care. He can't stop thinking about her. He needs to apologize. He crossed the line. He needs her. And he's damn sure she needs him. They're partners.

He closes his laptop and closes his eyes.

He wakes up to the sound of the entrance door opening.

"Alexis?" He asks expecting his daughter to answer.

"No. Officer Hastings. Sorry." The officer suddenly appears in front of him.

"Wha—" Castle sits up on his bed. "Hey! Invasion of privacy! What the hell are you doing?"

"No, no, no, sorry Mr. Castle." The officer apologizes. "It's just that it is already 4 p.m and you weren't answering to the knocks on the door. I just came here to tell you that you can leave. You're cleared. We already sent Officer Depree home." He stops for a brief second to read Castle's facial expressions. "The officer that was standing by your door, Castle."

"Oh okay, okay, thank you officer." He smiles.

"Okay, have a good evening. Or night." He closes the door behind him and Castle hears the entrance door opening and closing.

He checks his phone. 5 missing calls. 2 from Mother, 1 from Alexis and 1 from Beckett.

He takes care of Alexis and Martha's phone call just by texting them that he's okay. Then, he's trapped in his thoughts once again.

He calls her.

"Listen Castle, you are a little bit late but you can still come to the precinct. We need to talk."

"Is it about Sabrina?"

"Yes."

"Give me 15 minutes." And he hangs up to get dressed.

(…)

"And that's all he cares about? I mean, yesterday he tells me that he doesn't want me as his muse anymore and today I call him telling him that we need to talk and he has the balls to ask if it's about Sabrina." She walks from side to side in front of a dead body. Lanie listening carefully to her words.

"His friend died, Kate. He's a little bit sensitive, that's all. You have to under—"

"No!" She faces her friend. "No, he basically fired me, Lanie." Her friend looks at her and doesn't say anything. Beckett looks at her watch. "I have to go. He should be here already." She turns to the door and leaves.

She sees him in front of the murder board. She knew he would read it.

"Castle." She calls his attention. "Don't." She approaches him stopping when her back is facing the murder board.

"What do you mean boyfriend." He asks her.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." She looks around. "Let's go to the break room."

"No." He quickly answers. He shakes his hands in front of him. "N—no, no, she didn't have a boyfriend. If she did, I would know."

She answers smoothly. "They were living together."

"What? Where?"

"Let's go to the break room. Please." She takes his arm and leads him to the break room where she closes the door. "The apartment that she was inviting you over wasn't hers."

"How can I help." He says after a second. "Tell me how can I help."

"Castle, you're not in the case. You know you can't be in the case."

"Is this because of yesterday?" He challenges.

"What?" She steps forward, her body inches apart from touching his. "Really, Castle?"

"I said I—"

"I know exactly what you fucking said, Rick." She says pointing at his chest. "I don't want you in this case because you always mess everything up. You mess me up!"

"I can help! I—"

"No! You don't get it Castle! I'm the cop. You're the writer. You think you are as powerful as I am but you're not. I made you believe you can make decisions here when you freaking can't! It doesn't work like this." He looks at her in the eyes, waiting for her to say something else.

"Did you call me just to see my reaction to Sabrina's 'boyfriend'?"

"I called you because I told you I would get you updated if anything came up. Well, this came up, I kept my promise and now I'm regretting it."

"What do you regret?" He asks. "Meeting me?" He pauses. They're too close. Too mad at each other and too close to each other. "Getting to know me? I'm your partner, I'm—"

"Did you know about Daniel, Castle?" She interrupts him. He doesn't answer. "Rick, answer this simple question. Did you or did you not know about Daniel." He stays quiet. "He's dead." She breathes out and looks down. "Castle, if you know something about this… and you don't tell me… I can't help you." She looks up again. She sees fear in his eyes, she can almost hear the sound of his heart beating, there's something going on that she can't figure out just by looking at him. "I trust you. Whatever you say. I will believe you. So please, be honest with me. Don't lie to me, Castle."


End file.
